duckwhatduck: (I don't like this)
[personal profile] duckwhatduck
Am coming to the realization that Oxford has kind of messed with my head, in that it's totally validated my innate tendency to assume I'm not doing anything well enough. It's really really disconcerting to me that in my job now people keep praising me and trying to be supportive and asking if I have too much work (I have hardly any work! I'm spending half the day reading totally unrelated things on Project Gutenberg, that is how little work I have.) I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It's just, for the last three years I've had a tutor on my back all the time, and even if I was working as hard as I could it wasn't good enough, and if it looked like I was slacking off there would be a smackdown, and "that's...not terrible" was basically the height of praise. And that actually works for me as an environment (because if you let me slack off, I will slack off). But it makes it really difficult for me to believe that people being nice are actually sincere.

(People say 'sugoi' and 'erai' and 'jouzu ne' and I panic, because they must be being sarcastic)

I keep waiting for someone to notice that I'm not doing anything worthwhile and they keep...not...

It's actually really stressful XD

At least I know where I stand in Oxford (even if it's in front of a grumpy Danish man calling me an idiot...)

(Also if you want me to write a 4,000 word essay in a fortnight, that I can do. What am I supposed to do with six months? How amazing do you want this essay to be? That long a deadline is far too much pressure!)


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